We live in a world that is surrounded by sexual influences, and Christians are not immune to the temptation of it. Young people struggle with striving for purity when their culture values hypersexuality over wholeness. Although the church may have a valid reason for their failure to respond or give an explanation for the do-not-do list, it is still a growing problem among young people. We find that the focus is more on morality instead of true spirituality and not addressing the essence of immorality. Not teaching on sexual issues intensifies the struggle young people have in a secular culture where hypersexuality is accepted. Sexual temptation is a matter of spirituality, not just morality. When it comes to sexual promiscuity, we tend to view it as a guy thing, in actuality, females struggle with porn, sex, and sensations as well. Interestingly, we would shame, talk about, condemn, and denigrate females, rather than give them support in their struggle.
We need to get to the root of sexual addictions so that young girls can move to sexual integrity. There are many reasons why females indulge in overly sexual activities and likewise for males. Hypersexuality could stem from prior abuse, human trafficking, or a mental disorder, to name a few. What if it is a learned behavior? In any case, it is still abuse for under-aged girls or women forced into the activity. Therefore, hypersexuality could very well be a result of a traumatic event in a female’s life and not a label to shun them. Even if it comes from a mental disorder, it can still be a traumatic episode for that person—a lack of self-control is tormenting. Let me emphasize here that hypersexuality is a result of something, more than likely inner unresolved pain.
Living in a Hyper-sexual Culture
As far as the question of whether hypersexuality is a learned behavior, well, I will let you decide after reading this story. Because of the age and privacy, identification of this person is intentionally withheld. The story is meant solely to demonstrate the culture of young people in which we live so that we may improve upon how we view and address hypersexual activity.
I met a 12-year old girl and observed how she interacted with other children her age. In doing so, I noticed that she would harass the boys around her with sexual advances. She would chase them with objects trying to stick them in their behind. And if you did not observe her, she would sneak off with one or two of the boys to perform fellatio on them. Whenever we could catch her misbehaving, we would stop her from continuing that type of harassment. Here’s the point, she did not understand the implications of her behavior or that it was wrong. So, I had to explain that it was inappropriate behavior, and we have to provide a safe place for all the children. During our conversation, she still looked confused, which led to asking her if she was sexually active. Now, please read her response carefully because this is the culture of young people today speaking, frankly. She said, “yes, it’s normal for kids my age to have sex.” She went on further to say, “I have sex at least eight times a week.” WOW! I thought to myself; she has more sex than I do as an adult. As innocent as she could be and proud at the same time, she admitted to only having sex with the 8th graders. I felt so hurt for this young girl, especially when she went on to make a video of herself using sex toys and sent it to some of the boys. I took it as a loud cry for help.
Believe it or not, children learn from each other outside the home, and this young girl was willing to teach her peers’ sex education. It also depends on the culture, and the influence the parents have in their child’s life to override street lessons. I remember my mother having the “talk” with me and my sisters after my oldest sister got pregnant. My mother was so angry, she stormed in our bedroom and said, “if you want to have sex, take the pill” and threw 12 packs of birth control pills on the floor. Of course, this was not the exact language she used, but that was all she said on the subject matter. So, I did not have much to go on; therefore, the boy next door wanted to show me how to kiss, and my sibling told me that I should have sex before I start menstruation. Hmmm, I was not that curious, but that was just me! How do we address this topic when culture has more considerable influence over our children? Remember, these children become adults with the same behavioral pattern.
Hidden Sexual Pain
Let’s talk about trauma. When someone experiences sexual abuse/violence in their life, it is difficult to understand the impact it will have on the abused sexuality, sexual concepts, attitude towards sex, beliefs, or sexual identity. The pain and expression of unresolved grief affect people differently and put a strain on their mindset or mentality. Surviving the abuse may be conflicting and cause them to become either hypersexual or suffer avoidance of sex altogether. In cases of sexual abuse, it is about the abuser having power and control over another; sex is their choice of weapon. The survivors’ sexual actions after the violation do not mean they are a terrible person or deficient in morals. It is the inner suffering or internal pain that drives their behavior and challenge their beliefs.
Sexual abuse can impact the survivor’s life in many ways; such as, sexual confusion that signify unspeakable inward despair expressed through outwardly inappropriate behavior. It may be a way the woman takes back control of her body to keep from feeling helpless or afraid again. Her mind and body have was violated; no one wants another person to have that much control or power over them. Therefore, they may be seeking to feel powerful again or in control through affirmation, calling the shots, because it is her body, and she decides what to do with it. Hypersexuality is an addiction that contradicts and devalues sexual pleasure with a spouse promulgated by our culture. We must address what is going on internally, the pain and hurt experienced from a traumatic event that causes us to dismiss healthy boundaries, incur low self-esteem, or devalue ourselves.
We must get the right diagnosis and counsel to help whether our hypersexuality attributed to a traumatic event or chemical imbalance. Christians and black people alike; there is nothing wrong with receiving psychological assistance to cope with the disruption in our lives. I had to say that because some of us grew up in a culture that does not seek professional help with mental or behavioral health issues. Then again, some people seek help but do not follow the advice they are given. A majority of broken people like to stay broken because they get more attention in their brokenness, or so they think. It is like putting a band-aid over an open wound or injury and expecting it to heal correctly. Now and then, we have to take the band-aid off so the wound can breathe and dry up. Similarly, in the healing process, we must be open to facing our fears and its various torments to receive the love God has for us to be made whole again.
Love Don’t Live Here Anymore
“There is no fear in love. But perfect love drives out fear because fear has to do with punishment. The one who fears is not made perfect in love” (1 John 4:18).
Hypersexuality is not about love; it is a power struggle to dominate another person. We are convincing ourselves that we have the power and are in control of the other partner. In this case, sex may have lost its value! Being overly sexual prevents us from a loving relationship. Just like porn has the potential to ruin a man’s ability to love in real life, so can it have the potential to ruin a woman’s ability to love in real life. Our justification for our behavior is where the blame game comes into relationships; he/she does not satisfy me. When it is the hypersexual that is trying to feed an appetite that cannot be satisfied until they confront the real issue permeating on the inside, understand this, love does not have us using other people for pleasure. I remember identifying a lover as my sex partner. He felt degraded and said, I treated him like a piece of meat, and that is precisely what I did. There was no love; I was freely giving him one of the most precious things God has given me—a body.
Jesus presented His body as a living sacrifice on the cross, He said the night of his betrayal, “this is my body which is broken for you” (1 Cor. 11:24-26), and His blood as covenant shed so that we may live. Now, that’s love! Christ is in us! Jesus declared, “I am the bread of life. Whoever comes to me will never go hungry, and whoever believes in me will never be thirsty” (John 6:35). We partake of Jesus by coming to Him in faith, trusting that His broken body (and shed blood) is sufficient to pay for our sins. Furthermore, the Apostle Paul reminds us when he asked, “Do you not know that your bodies are temples of the Holy Spirit, who is in you, whom you have received from God?”(1 Cor. 6:19). What Paul is saying is that now, we are the temple. We are the place in which God dwells and God has built this temple in us with His blood, toil, and sacrifice. He requires one thing, a yielded heart. God did not create women to be sexual objects for people to use in sexual immorality. Therefore, our sex drive, if genuinely given by God, is honest enough to bring us to whomever He knows we belong with, and we will have self-control in God’s love.
No Judgment Here!
Understand, we all are born in sin, so we all have had various wrong ways, drives, and methods of reacting to hurt and pain to get our selfish pleasure. Keep this in mind, whatsoever evil, dominating drives, and/or ways of responding to it is our dictator. If we go back and read 1 Corinthians 6:18, Paul describes how sexual immorality is sinning against our own bodies. Hypersexuality doesn’t just degrade the other person; it degrades us. Therefore, to move from sexual addiction to sexual integrity, we must understand our sins and take responsibility to live out God’s design for healthy sexuality, which is foundational to the healing process.
This article assumes that you already have a relationship with Christ; however, it is my hope that if you struggle with hypersexuality, you will seek God for your inner pain and receive professional help for your outward behavior so that love is made perfect in you. If you lack respect for yourself or in your life, then you have not experienced the fullness of God’s love. Fear is one thing that we all have in common, but Perfect Love (God) goes to any length to save us and any height to reach us. Whatever has us imprisoned, the Lord redeems and sets us free. Free from the pain and hurt that has enslaved us for so long. When you praise and worship the Holy One, “Perfect love casts out fear” because fear cannot exist in His presence. God loves you regardless of your faults and is concerned about everything that has you bound, and fear does not have a chance against such love. Perfect love sets a crown on the head of the orphan and calls her “Beloved Daughter” so that you will face final judgment with hope and joy.